Questions to consider in Evaluating an Intimate Relationship

© 2007; Nancy Davis, Ph.D.

1. Capacity to care about others

Does he/she get pleasure just from giving or only give to get something in return?

Is he/she self-centered?  If you pay attention, is it clear that he/she always puts him/herself first?  How much does he/she talk about themselves?  Are “I” and “me” overused when he or she talks or writes?

Does he/she believe clothes, cars, jewelry measure importance or that your value as a person comes from your ability to love, responsibility, trust, work ethic, etc.?

Does he/she ask questions of you that allow you to reveal the deepest level of who you are?  Does he/she listen to you; really know you?  Really care about who you are?

2. What does he/she do with trusted information

Does he/she use trusted information against you in anger or find it is a path to a deeper and more intimate positive relationship? 

Does he/she share this information with others inappropriately?

3. Capacity to change

The capacity to evaluate oneself when confronted and to change inappropriate behavior is one of the most important qualities in a long term intimate relationship. Rigidly believing oneself always right and you always wrong dooms the relationship. 

Can he/she say “I’m sorry; I was wrong”?

Do you see changes in behavior and thinking when confronted with mistakes or inappropriate or destructive behavior or thinking?

If there is a problem, would he/she be willing to get help, if needed?

4. Relationships with others

Does he/she have same sex friends and spend time outside of work with these friends?

If you married him/her would you be their only friend?

Does he/she spend too much time with friends?

How does he/she get along with co-workers?

How does he/she treat waiters and others in the service industry?

Does his/her family over-control them?  How often do they talk to a parent?  Are they afraid to confront a parent who is acting inappropriately?

Do they establish boundaries with their parents? (Do not call me at work.  Do not clean out my closet when you are visiting and I am at work)

How does he/she treat parents?  Angry, degrading, controlled by, adult to adult, child to adult?

If his/her parent is abusive or inappropriate when dealing with you, will he/she stand up for you and end this?

Does he/she see themselves as superior or inferior to almost everyone else?

5. Need to control

Does he/she try to control what you wear, what you say, how you behave?  Does he/she call you excessively to check up on you?  Are you afraid to tell them what you have been doing because he/she will be angry that you weren’t doing what they thought you should be doing?
Does he/she accuse you of being attracted to other men/women or having affairs when there is no truth to these accusations?
How does he/she feel about your friends? Does he/she try to isolate you and turn you against friends and family so he/she will be the only one in your life?

Does he/she repeatedly use guilt to control you and make you do what he/she wants done so that it always seems they get their way and you rarely get to do what you want to do?

Does he/she use your most intimate secrets revealed to them in confidence as a weapon to get their way and/or make you feel guilty and ashamed?

6. Expression of anger/criticism

Anger is an appropriate part of every intimate relationship.   It is the way in which anger is expressed that wreaks or improves a relationship. 

John and Julie Gottman (www.Gottman.com ) are therapists and researchers who have spent many years studying couples who were both happily and unhappily married.  Their research has discovered three predictors of a marriage that often ends in divorce:

1. More negative than positive statements.  They indicate that a couple needs at least 5-6 positive statements for each negative one and that good marriages have a ratio of 25 or more positive to one negative statement.
2. The way anger is expressed is especially important.  Expressing anger in a way which demeans and degrades their partner, speaking with distain, rolling of their eyes, and using anger to defeat rather than improve the relationship is destructive to intimate relationships and love.  The Gottman’s found that loving couples argue, get angry and shout, but they do not degrade and demean or use anger to destroy or win.
3. In healthy relationships, if an argument seems to be moving out of control, one of the couple does something to change the direction of the argument, such as making a funny face, changing the subject, patting their partner on their fanny, or some other anger stopping technique. 

What is the ratio of positive to negative comments he/she makes to you?

Does he/she use confidential things you have revealed in a mean way when angry?

Does he/she regard anger as a win-lose event rather than a way to work out compromises and express unhappiness so the relationship can improve?

Has he/she ever become violent or physical during an argument or have you been afraid that he/she would become violent by their behavior?

Is he/she afraid of conflict?  This can be very damaging to a relationship;unless you know what makes someone angry, you do not know them.  Anger will build up and you may not even be aware that he or she is angry until he or she leaves or explodes unexpectedly.  If your partner is afraid of conflict, you may not feel safe with them because they will not protect you from the anger or aggression of others when you need to be protected.

Are you afraid to express anger to him/her?  If so, this is a problem of your own that needs to be addressed.  True intimacy requires the expression of anger.  If a partner does not know what makes you angry, he/she does not know you.  If you do not trust someone enough to express your anger, you do not trust him/her. How can you really love someone or trust them if you cannot be honest with him/her and express your anger and disagreements?

7. Taking responsibility

Is he/she willing to take responsibility for his/her behavior, future, career, etc. or does he/she blame others for anything that goes wrong? (He/she will behave in character when problems develop in a marriage)

8. Can you trust him/her?

Have you noticed that he/she repeatedly lies to you, tells you a story one day and forgets what he/she said and gives another version of the same incident on another day?  Have you noticed that he or she tells others what they want to hear, altering the truth in order to please the other person?

Have you noticed e-mails or notes or phone calls that were clues to lies and deception?

Does he/she spend lots of time on the computer and turn the screen off when you approach or lock you out of his/her computer for no reason?

Does he/she have locked boxes, chests, closets, etc. that he/she forbids you to touch?

Have you believed he/she was working late and found out later they were out with someone?

Does he/she use your money in an inappropriate or selfish way?

Has he/she demonstrated repeatedly that they can be trusted?

9. Do you feel safe with him/her?

Can you sleep easily in his/her presence?

Do you feel constantly on guard against verbal attacks? 

Do you believe he/she would protect you if someone inappropriately threatened you?

If you had car trouble at 3:00 am, would he/she get up on a freezing cold morning and come to help you without being angry or nasty?

If you are upset because of a major mistake or problem you have (such as a car accident that you caused, forgetting to turn in an important work-related report on time), how does he/she respond?  Does he/she use this against you (I told you not to do that but you wouldn’t listen);

Does he/she try to convince you that you did nothing wrong?  (Your boss should have called you about the report ahead of time) or does he/she listen or help you to accept your mistakes and change for the better?

10. Do you feel encouraged and supported by him/her?

Is he/she proud of you? Does he/she encourage you to become the best you can be educationally, in your career and/or educational endeavors, with friends, in appearance and in social behavior?

Is he/she honored by you or threatened by you?

Is he/she in competition with you?

11. Use of alcohol/drugs (both illegal and prescription)

Have you discovered illegal or prescription drugs that he/she had hidden and you suspect are being used inappropriately?

Does he/she drink too much; when he/she drinks alcohol, do they seem unable to stop until they are drunk? 

Does he/she drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

Is their use of alcohol and drugs acceptable to you and similar to yours?

Are you telling yourself his or her drug or alcohol use will improve if you marry them? (Big mistake!)

12. Medical problems

How does he/she sleep? (Inability to sleep can be a symptom of PTSD or medical problems)

Does he/she take care of themselves by exercising, paying attention to physical problems?

Does he/she smoke?

Are there chronic medical problems that could become a serious problem in the future?  If so, are you willing to be a caretaker?

13. History; jobs; marriages; secrets

How many jobs has he/she had since becoming an adult? (Inability to keep a number of jobs or a poor work history is often an indication of problems in relationships)

How does he/she talk about working, bosses and co-workers?

How many times has he/she been married? If he/she was married, how do the x partners impact your relationship?

Will he/she talk about childhood traumas? Mistakes he/she has made? Embarrassing situations?

14. Sexual behavior

Do you compliment one another sexually?

Can you discuss your needs and what does and does not feel good?

Does he/she pressure you to do things sexually that you feel are immoral, degrading, and/or damaging to your relationship?

If you say “no” to something sexual, will he/she honor your feelings?

Are you concerned that he/she is obsessed with pornography?

15. Sense of humor

Does he/she laugh; have a sense of humor, like movies, plays, situations which are     humorous?   Can he/she laugh at themselves when they make mistakes?

Does his/her humor degrade or humiliate others?

Does he or she say cruel or humiliating things to you and when you object, respond with  “I was only kidding?” or “Can’t you take a joke?”  so that you feel guilty for being humiliated or angry?

16. Religion

Are his/her religious beliefs and behaviors similar to yours or is he or she  tolerant of your beliefs and practice of your religion?

17. Have you had any dreams or feelings about him/her that were warnings or negative that you ignored?

Have you seen behaviors that you dismissed as “not like him/her”; “he or she was drunk or tired or in a bad mood so this behavior is an exception”; “that behavior is not the real him or her”?  Do not ignore these red flags; these behaviors are the “real” him or her.

18. How intelligent and educated is he/she compared to you?

Intelligence does not depend on education; education adds to knowledge. 

Is he/she threatened by your intelligence or education?  Does he/she value your opinion and point of view?

Are you proud of him/her when others are listening to their opinions?

19. Are your views on having and raising children compatible?

If one of you already has children, how are the relationships with the children affecting your relationship with the significant other?